Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
#parenting
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Namaste
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.