Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me sliding into hell like
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
This forever.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.