My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one