My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
You Might Also Like
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame