SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Just a bush.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it