5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount