NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
next question.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call