Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I know this now 😂
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Siri: Retweet me.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.