Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LosLos__'s best tweets

@LosLos__ : Interviewer: Vader says you aren't the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that? Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.

@LosLos__: Teach your kids cursive and they won't get copied from in school.

@LosLos__: Me: I love you, too...umm...

[Wife says her name]

Me: See? After all these years we're still finishing each other's sentences.

@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that

THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!

@LosLos__: Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just...

Me: It's a piece of toast.

@LosLos__: They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.

@LosLos__: Me: Gonna go see Gym.

Friend: You mean go to the gym?

Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.

@LosLos__: Cheese isn't just grate, it's legendairy.

@LosLos__: Doc: Your insurance won't cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.

@LosLos__: Stop. Stop it right now.
I'm going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.