Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill