Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.