@LostFelicia: There's a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There's also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
@LostFelicia: Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would've helped him out, but I wasn't wearing pants.
@LostFelicia: Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
@LostFelicia: Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
@LostFelicia: Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
@LostFelicia: Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
@LostFelicia: Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on....
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I'm back. No.
@LostFelicia: My husband's car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
@LostFelicia: My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.