Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LostFelicia's best tweets

@LostFelicia : If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

@LostFelicia: My daughter reminded me that being older doesn't mean I'm always right. Sometimes, I've just been wrong for longer.

@LostFelicia: Don't ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that's gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

@LostFelicia: If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

@LostFelicia: Him: You're on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

@LostFelicia: Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@LostFelicia: I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@LostFelicia: Daughter singing: In your hand... In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It's in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you've been looking for the last 10 mins.

@LostFelicia: A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I'm like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver's license.

@LostFelicia: My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.