The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Choose your fighter
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.