@LoveNLunchmeat: My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death...
@LoveNLunchmeat: My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I'm very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
@LoveNLunchmeat: So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage... But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I've been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
@LoveNLunchmeat: [Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
@LoveNLunchmeat: Canadian Psycho, but it's just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
@LoveNLunchmeat: [watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that's how you get him to turn off the game.
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?
-Just face, Dad. She's very modest
She's. A. Dude.