Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete