@LoveNLunchmeat: Santa is basically a fat man who doesn't understand how robbery is supposed to work.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
@LoveNLunchmeat: "Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn't live here!" I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE'RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
@LoveNLunchmeat: I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
@LoveNLunchmeat: Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid's Halloween candy; that's how you prevent cavities.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that's fine, but I'm going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
@LoveNLunchmeat: My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he's planning on pushing me off a cliff.
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.