@LoveNLunchmeat: Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don't have to kill them & go to prison.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Well son, in the '90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you're fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I'm a Pisces, and we're just so damn indecisive.
@LoveNLunchmeat: The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I'm giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer "former girl scout who is always prepared."
@LoveNLunchmeat: My son just choked on food laughing, and I'm torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.