Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LoveNLunchmeat's best tweets

@LoveNLunchmeat : Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you're fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I'm a Pisces, and we're just so damn indecisive.

@LoveNLunchmeat: The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I'm giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer "former girl scout who is always prepared."

@LoveNLunchmeat: My son just choked on food laughing, and I'm torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

@LoveNLunchmeat: I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I'm a nudist.

@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I'm 117.

@LoveNLunchmeat: I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don't care if it was a mistake. You're turning left now.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can't you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*