Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LoveNLunchmeat's best tweets

@LoveNLunchmeat : This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she'd vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

@LoveNLunchmeat: If you don't count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet's going pretty well today.

@LoveNLunchmeat: The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

@LoveNLunchmeat: I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let's be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Either you die or it's a good trampoline. There's no in-between.

@LoveNLunchmeat: [reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I'm looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

@LoveNLunchmeat: Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon