If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I love you…
…r dog.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.