Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
This is sending me to another galaxy
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.