Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
road rage
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I