me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
water it, i dare you
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
opening twitter today
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Dear Lord..
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.