being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You Might Also Like
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
we’re dead?
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.