I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this