me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”