My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy