My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You Might Also Like
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4