My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
✌🏽
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Livid.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”