Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“I’m helping” 😅
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
incredible
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.