Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.