Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You Might Also Like
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
The honesty is refreshing
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.