Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
translated into Canadian
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.