My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich