You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“and how does that make you feel?”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”