Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MUMSIEesq's best tweets

@MUMSIEesq : MASSEUSE: just relax ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED

@MUMSIEesq: My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I've got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@MUMSIEesq: ME: There was an old woman—
4YO: How old?
M: Old. —who lived in a shoe
4: What shoe?
ME: Please hold all questions until the end on this one

@MUMSIEesq: *struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
"You made a big mistake. Huge!"

@MUMSIEesq: 5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn't go to camp

@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.

@MUMSIEesq: The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.

@MUMSIEesq: ME: My husband has a cold do you have those euthanasia pills?
PHARMACIST: I think you mean echinacea pills haha
ME: No.

@MUMSIEesq: CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
ME: Yup
C: This bag of candy is open
M: Yup
C: This bag of--
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open

@MUMSIEesq: ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.