Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MUMSIEesq's best tweets

@MUMSIEesq : 4YO: "So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we're all sleeping?" ME: "Yup." 4YO: "And we're all just okay with that?"

@MUMSIEesq: [3AM]
FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don't think I'm too needy?

@MUMSIEesq: [DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?

@MUMSIEesq: MASSEUSE: just relax
ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED

@MUMSIEesq: My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I've got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@MUMSIEesq: ME: There was an old woman—
4YO: How old?
M: Old. —who lived in a shoe
4: What shoe?
ME: Please hold all questions until the end on this one

@MUMSIEesq: *struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
"You made a big mistake. Huge!"

@MUMSIEesq: 5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn't go to camp

@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.

@MUMSIEesq: The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.