Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no