When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Body by Oreos
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back