Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[eats all your cotton candy]
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.