[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
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The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.