Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MableGertrude's best tweets

@MableGertrude : Oh, so you make the bed everyday...I suppose you're also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in "drawers."

@MableGertrude: No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.

@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

@MableGertrude: It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@MableGertrude: I'm not saying you're on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

@MableGertrude: I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

@MableGertrude: Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.

@MableGertrude: Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

@MableGertrude: Friend: It looks like you're packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

@MableGertrude: I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.