Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
awkward
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.