boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you know, you know 😂🚔
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
October already? What’s next? November????
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend