Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Catering service
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again