for all #parents out there
You Might Also Like
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
this post was so formative to me
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.