Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
no cat here
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask