[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
You Might Also Like
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.