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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Something Saturday.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???