tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
You Might Also Like
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.