still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
2023 was just a warmup
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
But is it really??
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha