Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.