Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
You Might Also Like
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.