To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You Might Also Like
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Beware…..
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I have so many questions.