If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
this is funnier than any friends episode
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Sorry not sorry.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.