My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.