“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My patience has stretch marks.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’